This was an unpublished blog posting that I found from 2009. I stopped this on a second paragraph with an unfinished sentence but I realize I got the message out but felt like I needed to add more, three years later I realized it was complete.
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I find myself on the verge of tears wiping xylene off glass slide of brain sections. A drop of this mounting media, let it set and spread over the purple and blue sections; the despair is so overwhelming heavy, its crushing weight making the task at hand seem like thats all I have to life . . . to become a section, on a slide, in a fume hood, in the hands of an apathy being passed on over months time to a pathologist who will make notes of the amount of a color within an area and keep track of that in a chart, so they can . . . it just goes on and on. Its hard to handle the implication of what I do on a daily basis. I don't understand what I'm doing anymore, I can see the forest and the trees, but I don't know what is actually significant about either.
Monday, October 22, 2012
sandy cup
With life at a turning point I wait to see what happens. I'm happy to be where I am, I look forward to going where I want to be but I find myself afraid at the tipping point. What I've had in the past is gone but I'm still living in the shadows of my former life. Can I keep it going? Is there opportunity for me here? Did I live out the moments and now must move forward? These are the questions that I am seeking answers for.
I went down to the beach today to help pass the time and find some enjoyment in not being at work. I drove down the street to find a cheap parking spot and an expensive coffee. I strolled to the sand because that is where I should be spending my days instead of cooped up in an apartment less than a mile from the waves.
I finished out my coffee to find that I have a cup. I have had plenty of empty cups from coffee in my lifetime and realize that I'm not quite done with this one; for the first time in five years of living within fifteen minutes of the beach that I have not played in the sand. I scoop sand into the cup and slam it down to make a tower. The tower of dry sand stood for a moment in time and fell back into the beach from whence it came. It was starting to come back to me. Some water helped solidified the sand to which inspired me to build a second coffee cup tower.
The realization that I have two towers and no mote made role up my corduroys and squat to start digging out the real estate that would protect this castle. The elements rose up and flattened my towers and washed out my mote. The great sea wall was then constructed and the protective canals around the estate were dredged deeper and wider to prevent future devastation. Seaweed was added to fortify the barrier and feeling of content washed over me. I was for sure enjoying myself.
The tide came in and my parking expired and now it was time to head back. The coffee cup was disposed of, the castle of sand returned to the Atlantic and I didn't have a parking ticket. Moments like this make me question what I have been doing with my time and whether I've been using it wisely and I know today that I've conquered the moment.
I went down to the beach today to help pass the time and find some enjoyment in not being at work. I drove down the street to find a cheap parking spot and an expensive coffee. I strolled to the sand because that is where I should be spending my days instead of cooped up in an apartment less than a mile from the waves.
I finished out my coffee to find that I have a cup. I have had plenty of empty cups from coffee in my lifetime and realize that I'm not quite done with this one; for the first time in five years of living within fifteen minutes of the beach that I have not played in the sand. I scoop sand into the cup and slam it down to make a tower. The tower of dry sand stood for a moment in time and fell back into the beach from whence it came. It was starting to come back to me. Some water helped solidified the sand to which inspired me to build a second coffee cup tower.
The realization that I have two towers and no mote made role up my corduroys and squat to start digging out the real estate that would protect this castle. The elements rose up and flattened my towers and washed out my mote. The great sea wall was then constructed and the protective canals around the estate were dredged deeper and wider to prevent future devastation. Seaweed was added to fortify the barrier and feeling of content washed over me. I was for sure enjoying myself.
The tide came in and my parking expired and now it was time to head back. The coffee cup was disposed of, the castle of sand returned to the Atlantic and I didn't have a parking ticket. Moments like this make me question what I have been doing with my time and whether I've been using it wisely and I know today that I've conquered the moment.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
feelin' good
just back from the night, I would like to take the time to recap:)
1. Started off on Bin18 with a La Fin de Monde, a baby squid salad with a lemon vinergarette and spring greens, as well as a La Choffe to finish it off, at which time I ran into a James. He bought some beers and we went to chill.
James and I got to listen to some Paul Barman while I got fckd up for the evening and before I knew what was going on I was in Jose's car heading to the party. I slammed a Red Bull and then I was functional again. Two rounds of beer pong, an Arizona Energy drink and and a few cigarettes I find my self puking out the 2.5 story floor window, plastering the oning and the ground below. The spread was quite impresive. I wanted to take a picture but my camera was in the car and i didn't want to risk slipping in my own vomit, or tracking it upstairs, it just is somewhat of a diguistin mess that I'll ignore B)
PARTY ON BRO!
1. Started off on Bin18 with a La Fin de Monde, a baby squid salad with a lemon vinergarette and spring greens, as well as a La Choffe to finish it off, at which time I ran into a James. He bought some beers and we went to chill.
James and I got to listen to some Paul Barman while I got fckd up for the evening and before I knew what was going on I was in Jose's car heading to the party. I slammed a Red Bull and then I was functional again. Two rounds of beer pong, an Arizona Energy drink and and a few cigarettes I find my self puking out the 2.5 story floor window, plastering the oning and the ground below. The spread was quite impresive. I wanted to take a picture but my camera was in the car and i didn't want to risk slipping in my own vomit, or tracking it upstairs, it just is somewhat of a diguistin mess that I'll ignore B)
PARTY ON BRO!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
The problem with having a love for science and theoretical thought on life and exisitence is that has you questioning the threads of reality. Many people don't do this to the level that I do. Many people have trouble figuring out with what they are doing with their day (me included) that it doesn't really bother/worry them. I was taking a dump and I have a book on time next to the john. I started to thumb through the table of contents and the subject matter seemed intriguing enough, but I got worried about how it was going to make me feel. I start to get disconnected, or wrapped up in what I learn. It would suck to have my normal worries on top of having less respect for our social understanding of time.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
long time no talky
What do you do when you have such an intense long distance, paranormal relationship with someone when they finally call and have time to talk? What do you talk about? Where do you start? Do you go on about yourself or do you fish for things that you wanna hear about? What do you even want to hear about?
Can you just share some silence together? Will this awkward phone call be the last of its type or will there be another chance to get awkward and be lost in shameful ignorance of what you think you should know about this person, or any other topic relating to that person or their life.
Update:
It has lead to another phone call. "I'm on a stroll . and.. last time I was o n a str o l l ,. we talked so I thought I'd call you again .. . byee ."
Secretly happy that I couldn't hear the message I listened to message later and tried to decipher voicemail through my broken phone. I missed the call, now what do I do?
Can you just share some silence together? Will this awkward phone call be the last of its type or will there be another chance to get awkward and be lost in shameful ignorance of what you think you should know about this person, or any other topic relating to that person or their life.
Update:
It has lead to another phone call. "I'm on a stroll . and.. last time I was o n a str o l l ,. we talked so I thought I'd call you again .. . byee ."
Secretly happy that I couldn't hear the message I listened to message later and tried to decipher voicemail through my broken phone. I missed the call, now what do I do?
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